we wear our hearts on our sleeves

sleep tonight: negative. sleep last night: two hours. sleep the night before that: negative. cranky cranky crazy and also cranky.

haven't posted here in ages. life: stagnant. made plans to change my life, injured my back and those plans disappeared. weirdly enough no one wants to hire you when you can't stand up or sit down for too long.

a little sad, as per usual, a little beaten-down but cautiously optimistic for the future (as per usual). trying to remember that if i can't do something i can't do it, but that doesn't mean i have to give up on it forever. but that also doesn't mean i should do nothing and wait for things to go my way, because that's never going to happen. when life gives you lemons, you - well, actually i've always been more of the opinion that you should squeeze that lemon juice right into the wounds of your enemies. and then carry on. but whatever. make lemonade, etc etc.

i hate december. i love you.

i have been thinking about how much i miss ontario. sometimes i wish i'd stayed in waterloo. lived in s. and a.'s extra room (it's weird how much i miss them, and how easy living with them was) and got a job at one of the eight million little bookstores or coffee shops or costume stores.

i actually get a little ache in my chest when i think about toronto. i wish i'd had more time there. people are consistently boggled by how much i loved it there. when they mention how weird it is, i joke that i just miss urban outfitters and cheap pizza, but honestly, i just felt really positive when i was there.

i miss parts of ottawa, and i keep thinking that i don't miss the city itself, but really, it's a place that made me happy.

st. john's > everywhere else, still, but i'm half-afraid that someday some other place is going to steal my heart away.



i take off again in a couple of months. one of these days i'll end up settled down, back in school again probably.

today is definitely not that day.

i am doing five fantastic classes with fantastic professors. i love the subject matter of most of them. two of them are both things i always wanted to do for the rest of my life.

but i am remembering why i fell out of love with academia, and the thought of doing it forever makes me shiver. i am also remembering that loving something doesn't mean it's what you should be doing. same with being good at something. a flair for languages doesn't mean i should be spending the rest of my life trying to be the first person to decipher elamite.

when i was on the phone with my mother earlier i told her that i'd rather be working than in school at this stage in my life - if i were working, at least i'd have money. this is my first semester doing a full course load and seriously, why do people do this? i spent seven hours a day on campus, two hours a day commuting (if i'm in the pearl) or half an hour walking in all kinds of weather (if i'm in st. jaaaaaaan's). i come home and spend most of my free time doing schoolwork. i have no plans to ever have a career in either of my majors, and yet when i mention the idea of working instead, my entire family tells me it's a bad idea and i "need a degree." why? i'm not going to be any more qualified for any of the jobs i want.

none of this is going to help me write songs, stories, poems. it's not going to turn me into a decent photographer. it's not helping me get anywhere i want to be - in fact, it's blocking me from just that, because how am i supposed to travel when i'm broke because i have no time for a job? or when i'm only off for a few weeks a year? (and those weeks are all split up, mind.)

i honestly don't understand why everything has to be now now now. that's not how i roll. i love to learn but i don't see the point of spending the next two and half years keeping myself from people i love, from places i haven't seen yet. come april i'm going to see if i can't land myself a job downtown, at my favourite coffee shop or bookstore or record store. if i get a job i think i might like, well, we'll see if i'm still in school come fall.

youth is wasted on the young, apparently, but i don't think mine would be if it weren't for everyone trying to make me grow up. protip: i am responsible. i know my dreams are unlikely to ever work out, but i don't mind terribly if no one ever reads my stories or hears my songs. i'd be pretty happy selling people records for the rest of my life.



i'm moved out, by the way. sort of. kinda nomadic at present. all my friends are in other places. all my stuff is home. it's not too bad, but lonelier than i'm used to. i'm excited for friday, when i'll be back home, and saturday, when i might get to see that girl o'mine who always makes my world okay again.

wide awake. slept maybe three hours last night, can't sleep now. spent most of the day walking. i need to be up in four hours so i can go babysit for 8.5 hours, then attempt to finish all of my christmas shopping in the evening at the crowded mall. things that give me panic attacks: crowds and malls. places where i tend to get faint and/or black out: crowded malls.

this is kind of fucking ridiculous. brain, stop overthinking shit and turn yourself off.

when i was twelve or thirteen i watched some show about no doubt, and they were talking about touring, and i thought 'that's going to be me someday.' not the part where they were rich and famous. i just decided that i wanted to travel with my friends and make music.

my motives are a bit different now, i guess. it's not 'hey, that looks cool!' but 'why would i want to do anything else?' i get these restless itches if i'm not in a city i don't know, or on the road, or behind my kit, or behind my lens. there's only so much a notebook and pen can do, only so many songs i can play on my own, only so many pictures i can take when the scenery isn't changing.

i'm a lucky person. i have never had to work for anything in my life, and i've coasted along thus far. and i've enjoyed it, don't get me wrong, but now i have something i actually want to work for.



toronto, i'm coming back to you. maybe not soon but you can damn well count on me loitering your streets again. but first i'm heading south with a backpack and a camera and a little bit of money and a whole lot of words.

i'm making a list of all the things i need to take with me in january. i've been putting stuff planning things because everything was so far in the future, and now it's december and i don't have long to get everything done, ugh.

i hate christmas shopping, i hate cleaning, i hate running around like a chicken with its head cut off. but i love making lists. and i love trying to figure out what i should bring with me. it's like some weird sort of logic puzzle i can't solve. 'well, i'm probably not going to read this book at any point during the semester, and it takes up a lot of room, and it's heavy. but! jacques cousteau!' or 'i realize i could just put all my cds and dvds into a cd wallet. but! obsessively alphabetizing the cases!' i drew the line at taking all my buffy/angel dvds, but that was really just because i think mom would cry if i left her entirely joss-less.

i'm kind of the worst at packing ever. i'm going to have about six thousand books and no clothing come january. but who needs clothes when you have jacques cousteau, anyway? i love how i'm taking most of my stuff and i'm really only moving out for four months, and i'll be spending weekends back here. oops?

getting excited. angie + jessica + alex + sarah soon. holidays soon. building snowmen soon (built the first of the year yesterday and today all the snow is gone). moving soon. school soon.

things would be good if i didn't miss my kitty so much.

heard a girl on the bus yesterday telling her friend about this, like omg really cool retro band she'd just found out about, seriously omg they were kinda cool in the 90s, they're called silverchair, have you heard of them?

i feel pretty old these days. i miss silverchair. and third eye blind. and old school green day (even if new school green day's still pretty fantastic). i definitely miss old school our lady peace. i loved them when i was ten, but they got worse with every album after naveed. it's kind of sad to peak at your first album, i think, but they still rocked my grade five world nonetheless. when i was ten i wanted to be jeremy taggart or tre cool. when i was eleven i wanted to be britney spears. i don't really know what happened there.

now i just want to be a time-traveller. come back, nineties alt-rock. i'm sorry i left you for ridiculous pop. (i am, in fact, jimmy ray. if you wanted to know.) come back. bring me your gods of wine and your justs and your ava adores. i'm waiting.



in you i see dirty
in you i count stars
in you i feel so pretty
in you i taste god
in you i feel so hungry
in you i crash cars
we must never be apart

last night was like coming out of a fog. i've been sabotaging my own life for quite some time. i thought i knew why, but i'd forgotten that i'm a first-class liar, especially to myself.

simple answer: five years ago something happened that made me feel worthless. and i thought, i'm not really worthless, am i? let's find out. so i stopped trying to get along with people, stopped reaching out. i figured that if people still wanted to be my friend then i was worth something.

and they did. i was still the core of our little group. technically my experiment should have ended there, but i graduated high school and almost everyone else went to university or college, and i started working. our schedules rarely synched. instead of saying 'oh, they're busy, i'm busy, we can't hang out; maybe i should call or email' i ignored anyone who didn't reach out first. and they did for awhile, but there's only so much you can give when it isn't reciprocated.

and here's where the lying started, because i had come to the conclusion that no, i'm not worthless. which meant, somehow, that all of this wasn't my fault. they didn't understand me, didn't realize that i'm not normal, that i needed them to be there first.

this has been going on for five years. my best friends are still my best friends. the rest have fallen out of contact with me, pretty much - and i can't blame them, obviously. but god, the friends i still have are the most loving, patient people of all time. i'm not the type of person who needs a lot of people, which is maybe another factor in how i pushed everyone away. but goddamn, i sure as hell need these people.

fuckfuckfuck.

so my knee's been bothering me for about a week. i was hoping it would go away if i ignored it (the pain, not my knee!) but now the other knee's like it and i can't really walk. and whatever's wrong with my hands and arms has kicked in; my wrists and fingers feel just like my knees.

i have no idea what the hell is going on with my body right now, but i can't play. at all. my left knee hurts too badly to use the kick pedal, so i tried switching my kit around since i usually play with my hi-hat closed anyway, but now the right knee's just as bad. plus it hurts to hold my drumsticks properly.

i can't see a doctor until at least next week. and if i need medication, i can't get it until january because my insurance is non-existent until then. sigh.

so, on the bright side (even though i am sleep-deprived, sick, and sore yet again) -

i have the best job ever
my best friends are far better than yours
i'm going to have crazyshort hair in a month or so
i'm going to have people i love here for christmas
i'm back to school in january
i'm moving out in january


love. :)

i am trying (and failing) to remember how i stayed sane before the trip. jesus. i hoped going away for a bit, getting away from life as per usual would make things better, but if anything i'm more irritable than ever and far less inclined to put up with any of this shit.

i move in less than two months. i can keep on keepin' on until then, right?

...right?

updating during the trip... uh, kinda failed. i had a fantastic time, but now i'm nearing broke and i already feel the needneedneed to get out of here again. which is kind of impossible with no money.

so while i was away i learned that
a) i am really bad to myself
b) i am kind of a bitch
c) i am kind of in love
d) i should never be allowed to have disposable income.

i'm a little bit crazy at the moment from too many people and too much noise and too much being touched. i would love to people-detox but i will not get to do that until at least sunday. ohh, my.

No lyrics this time, I'm afraid, as I'm not listening to anything and can't be bothered to look up something relevant. I'm in Waterloo. My friends are lovely and we've been doing all sorts of nerdy things. I think I've been to every bookstore in the Kitchener-Waterloo area. Right now we're trying to beat this one killer level in Crash Bandicoot. I know... we're wild.

♥

Nothing's gone horribly awry, no worries. I just have three hours before I need to leave and I am a little bit restless. Watching my parents play video games, drinking cup after cup of tea, and wishing I could play my drums one last time before I leave.

I went to Danielle's today and it's going to be hard to be away from her, even if it's only for nineteen days. Claire came over yesterday and had baked me cookies and we watched movies. My friends are so lovely, it's amazing. I'm sad I didn't get to see Matthew this week. Sigh, friends. There are few people I am really close to, but they all have such giant holds on my heart.

When I was walking home I decided I was crazy for leaving right now, because Newfoundland in October is seriously beautiful. Grey skies and orange leaves, everything shining after the rain. I missed out on picking blueberries this year. I don't know if I would ever be able to live in a place where I couldn't pick blueberries every fall.

This entry's so pointless. Sorry.




we gotta get out while we're young
'cause tramps like us, baby, we were born to run

I'm a bit excited that this journal is actually going to be used as a travel journal for a bit, as that's what I originally wanted it to be (hence the username). But, y'know, the part where I never go anywhere interfered with that.

Next post shall be from Waterloo, unless things go horribly awry. Which they'd best not.




one day you'll look to see I've gone
for tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun
some day you'll know I was the one
but tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun

The past little while's been rough, honestly. I have been trapped in my head, for lack of a better term. And then it was completely undone today in less than two hours of conversation. That was really all I've been missing.

I'm a little bit ridiculous, I think. And a little bit ridiculously in love.

Trip in three days. I'm so unprepared, even though I've been counting down forever. I have no bus tickets purchased (through no fault of my own... goddamn Greyhound and its inexplicable malfunctions every time I have tried to utilize the website over the past few months). I will end up stuck in an unfamiliar city, probably, and I'm weirdly okay with that.

Nearly three weeks in another province, and then a bunch of family (the real kind - the kind you pick, the ones you want to be your family) for Christmas, then school. And saving for the next trip. (April, maybe. Texas, definitely.)

everything is making me weepy today, but in a good way.

* the kids i babysit for bickering over who got to hug me first.
* the camaraderie i have developed with people who were complete strangers a month ago.
* the season premiere of eli stone. stfu, that show always makes me want to be a better person. well. i suppose i always want to be a better person, but that show always makes me think that maybe i can.
* what a catch, donnie. i promised myself i'd keep away from the new stuff for awhile but i couldn't resist. and god, seriously? it just pulls at my heart. i don't even know.

the conservatives didn't get a majority and every single mha in my province is now either liberal or new democrat. and i just won meet and greet for the panic concert in toronto in ten days. i'm calling today a win. i will be in waterloo in six days. over the next few weeks i will get to reunite with people i love so fiercely it hurts sometimes. and then everyone is going to be here for christmas. maybe i'm calling this year a win even though i broke down more than ever.

migraines and spyware are bringing me down, along with the usual stuff.

but i've got amazing people in my life. on friday i laughed so hard i cried thanks to the lovely people i was with. on saturday danielle and i went shopping and spent the bus ride home sharing earbuds and humming along every now and then; we didn't say much, but you don't always need to talk when you've known each other for as long as we have (seventeen years and then some - at this point we probably know each other's thoughts better than our own). today i had thanksgiving dinner with the family. ate far too much and lazed about. less family there than usual, but it was still good. i really love everyone right now, true facts. particularly one person i have not talked to in weeks but who really owns my heart. if you are reading this, you know who you are.

so yeah. good people. :) and i've got far more than any person deserves to have. it's really unfair that i have so much and still always want more, but i suppose if i were always completely content with what i had i'd never try for anything bigger. not that i have huge dreams - i want to write and make music and be in love. i do those already. i want to do them more. fill my days, my life, with words and notes and inside jokes and secret smiles. everything else is just icing on the cake.

♥ happy thanksgiving, world. be grateful for what you have but never stop trying to make things better.

My heart hurts tonight. Er. Not, like, physically, in case anyone is inclined to worry? I just. Nrrrrgh I don't even know. No matter how many times I realize it is true, it never seems to stick: discovering what is wrong does not magically make something go away.

I am starting to wonder why I thought that becoming a misanthropic recluse was the solution to all my problems. I saw an old acquaintance yesterday and she called me on the fact that I haven't talked to her in a good two years. I had no idea what to say, because I didn't know how to say 'no offense, I thought you were awesome, I just decided to cut almost everyone I know out of my life for no real reason.'

Becoming a misanthropic recluse? Causes more problems than it solves, who knew?

i'm giving up on telling the truth. i just look like lloyd dobler every time. except no one takes me seriously, not when it counts.

maybe i just need a goddamn boombox.